20 Hours in America I
Josh: We changed TIME ZONES???
Volunteer: It's a common mistake.
Josh: Not for the US government!
Toby: I don't understand…people…they just reset their watches when they commute?
[continued ranting from Josh and Toby]
Donna: Okay. This is a whole new thing now. My guys are going to need to walk this off a little bit before they can regroup.
20 Hours in America II
Bartlet: Okay, I'm getting dressed for the thing.
Abbey: I'm going to make fun of you while you do, okay?
College Kids
Donna: Did you sleep all right?
Josh: I did, but then I read this thing…
The Red Mass
Sam: The Democrats have nominated someone who's had three heart attacks.
Janet: Yes.
Sam: And you think I don't care enough about...? What kind of signal does this send to...? I have to talk...No, this isn't going to be a part of my life.
Janet: Wow, you just did a whole thing all by yourself.
Debate Camp
Josh: Guess what I have here. It's a copy of 21 magazine. "It's for Generation Now!"
Donna: Is my thing in there?
Game On
Toby: See, that's the difference between you and me; you're small-time. And that's why the twins are going to need their father around full-time. 'Cause your thing would be a terrible trait - a terrible family trait to pass on to little...Beatrice and Bluto.
Andy: I'm naming them Beatrice and Bluto now. I don't care if they're boys or girls.
Election Night
Sam: You wrote a concession?
Toby: Of course I wrote a concession. What, you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?
Sam: No.
Toby: Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?
Sam: He wrote a concession speech.
Josh: Of course he wrote a concession speech. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing.
Toby: He upped and said we were gonna…
Josh: No, you gotta go outside, turn around three times and curse.
Toby: Spit.
Josh: Spit and curse.
Toby: Do everything. Go! Go!
Josh: Go! Go!
Toby: Go!
Josh: These things have a half-life, you know.
Josh: Is this a joke?
Donna: What are you talking about?
Josh: Toby already did the thing this morning with the invalid ballots.
Donna: There's an El Nino thing going on in Southern California and it's supposed to start raining in a few hours.
Bartlet: It's not like the thing wasn't working before with…Whatever you may assume, that wasn't a rube sitting out there, Debbie. She ran the Oval Office for two years and a State House before that.
Josh: I'm concerned that you've turned completely into another person.
Toby [to staffer]: Hey! I see one victory balloon before this thing is called and…Yeah, you better run! [to Josh]: Huh?
Josh: Nothing.
Process Stories
Sam: Does anyone know where Toby and Josh and CJ are? Hey! Toby? Josh? CJ? Does anyone...?
Larry: They're over in the...thing.
Swiss Diplomacy
Toby: They'll ask you about housing starts going down.
Bartlet: I don't care.
CJ: Sir…
Bartlet: Long as I'm keeping this one.
CJ: GDP growth is strong.
Bartlet: You bet your ass it is. Which, by the way, I can pat any time I want now. The voters have spoken. Lowest inflation in twenty years. Housing starts are cyclical, which is the thing.
Bartlet: It's called penmanship, Watson. Something your generation wouldn't know about because of the computers. How many of these things am I doing?
Charlie: Sixty.
Bartlet: How many have I done?
Charlie: Three.
Bartlet: Three?
Josh: Triplehorn's on fire.
Toby: He needs to build a case against our…
Josh: Hoynes is lining up precinct captains in Iowa and New Hampshire.
Toby: This is like ten minutes after the polls closed in California.
Josh: And Winnick just called. It's probably the same thing. Half the Senate's going to be running.
Bartlet: All right, go back to the sewing thing.
Abbey: It's the Women's…never mind.
Arctic Radar
Bartlet: I didn't think adultery was against the uniform code.
Leo: You're talking about Vickie Hilton?
Bartlet: Yeah. It's against military law?
Leo: No. They don't like fraternization, but her thing isn't the affair, it's failure to follow an order.
Mitch: The seats. What happened?
CJ: Sorry, I forgot. I moved the news magazines to the fourth row.
Mitch: Yeah, I noticed. Why?
CJ: It isn't a thing, Mitch. There are cameras in here now that are framing part of the gallery and not just the podium, and the news magazines aren't here everyday so the camera's getting a couple empty seats.
Amy: It's about Vickie Hilton. And I'm here in no official capacity and I'm wielding nothing, but the League of Professional Women is gonna represent her and they asked me if I would help get them time with the President.
Josh: There's no way the White House is going to get involved in it. It's a military thing.
Janice: Star Trek and the entire Starfleet series is about honor and loyalty and civic duty, and the fact that you don't think that those are characteristics that should be displayed inside the White House is sad. But I wouldn't expect you to understand those kinds of things. Anything else?
Josh: No.
Charlie: You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary General and not know why?
Leo: Yeah. Could you swing that?
Charlie: If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it?
Leo: I gotta keep the knucklehead stuff off his desk, and this is worse. This is actually hot-button knucklehead. This could be a thing. If he knows why the Secretary's calling, he's gonna lose it, and he's gonna be in it.
Holy Night
Zev: Yeah.
CJ: Yeah.
Josh: I think he spent too much time in the Africa hot.
CJ: The thing is--
Josh: Yeah?
CJ: I'm absolutely certain that's what happened.
Guns Not Butter
Danny: Jamil Bari is an invented identity for someone. It has to be. For this thing to have worked, the pilot had to be one of our guys.
CJ: Come on, don't say that. Not even to joke.
Elsie: Hey, cool goat. When did you get it?
Will: Professional comedian, Elsie…aahh!
Elsie: I think it's great that you keep oats in the office…just in case. I think when these people find out that kind of thing…
Will: Could you leave me now? I'm focused. Please?
Josh: $115,000 and he votes yes on Foreign Ops?
Toby: Josh, it's the Federal Government investing…
Josh: I don't care if we're investing in communion wafers.
Toby: Josh, it's the Federal Government.
Josh: We'll deal with the other thing tomorrow.
Toby: Well, I already dealt with it today.
Josh: Not yet and the clock's running. I'm going to Leo.
Bartlet: I'm on your side in this thing, but just barely. Just by a little bit. ‘Cause he's French and royal.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: These are very special, very limited circumstances under which we're allies, you and I.
Charlie: Understood, sir.
Bartlet: When's this thing with the cow?
CJ: It's a…goat, now.
Bartlet: Okay.
CJ: So, I think this will work. I think it says “Well, you're impoverished and while we don't care, we don't want you to go away empty-handed, so we offer this goat, Ron, to give you milk.”
Will: Do male goats give milk?
CJ: No. No, of course they don't. So, “We offer you this thing that'll just gnaw on your stuff.”
The Long Goodbye
Toby: Are you scared of that promise thing?
CJ: Yes.
Toby: I lost the…uh, uh, that NEA thing you wanted.
CJ: Lost it? It's notes. There's a file.
Tal: I've always cherished this thing. My father kept perfect time. Marked it, measured it with this – the hellos and goodbyes. It keeps faltering; nobody can do anything.
Marco: There were days, some days, when…we'd played at a party, The Mollusks, or we'd won a baseball game and…there was just that…thing…that…everybody loving you at that moment.
CJ: My name is CJ Cregg. As you know, I work for the President of the United States. This is why I was asked to make a short speech for our reunion. It's a terrible subject, a terrible idea – “The Promise of a Generation” – so bad, I was going to start out with a joke and fill the whole thing in with more jokes. But I find the topic has gotten under my skin while I wasn't paying attention.
Inauguration (Part I)
Donna: You know what Jack will be wearing? A saber.
Josh: God, Donna, please tell me that's not going to be the only thing he's wearing.
Carol: CJ, Danny wanted to see you for a second.
CJ: No way.
Carol: Well…
CJ: Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny, I could have him. And he's still a jackass from the Foreign Ops vote and many other things, so tell him I'm getting my hair done.
Danny: Your hair looks great.
Leo: Listen to this, please. The Supreme Court is striking down the use of prior offense as a factor in Stiles v. Rhode Island. The Chief Justice writes a concurring opinion: “Guilty or not guilty, past convictions frustrate the judge who wonders should your fate abate.”
Bartlet: It's awkwardly worded.
Leo: No, it's not. It's twenty-two syllables.
Bartlet: Oh, God.
Leo: Two, four, six, eight. Two. And it's supposed to sound like this:
“ Guilty
or not guilty
past convictions frustrate
the judge who wonders should your fate
abate.”
It's a cinquain.
Bartlet: A what?
Leo: A cinquain.
Bartlet: How do you know?
Leo: I know things.
Inauguration - Over There
Josh: You didn't know the White House rejected ten billion for the DOD. You have absolutely no way of knowing that. Jack said it. The researcher called Jack, and Jack said it.
Donna: He was working a lot of nights and it really wore him out.
Josh: Yeah?!?
Donna: And then this thing happened, and he didn't think he was on the record.
Josh: Donna…
Donna: He didn't, Josh. That was legitimate.
Josh: He's letting you take the credit for this??
The California 47th
Sam: I have a strategy breakfast.
Josh: You want me to come?
Sam: That's okay.
Toby: Let him come, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, well, you know, the thing is…Scott Holcomb and Josh…
Josh: Oh, come on…
CJ: I think Holcomb has been making bad mistakes with you, Sam. I think Josh has been right.
Toby: I know Josh has been right and if you think that's easy for me to say…
Josh: He's got you with business.
Sam: He says it's how a Democrat wins Orange County.
Josh: Has a Democrat ever won Orange County?
Sam: No.
Josh: Then how would he know?
Toby: Excuse me, officer – ballpark, how long do you think this is going to be?
Officer: Assault – 6 to 20 months.
Charlie: It wasn't assault. He slipped on a thing.
Officer: Yeah, one of the guys said you hit him.
Charlie: Well, that was different. That part may have been assault.
Red Haven's on Fire
Toby: We made a rough entrance here, but things are looking up now.
Sam: You trapped people at Disneyland, told the French they could stick a loaf of bread up their ass, had a meeting with a Communist, and things are looking up – ‘cause my new campaign director made bail.
Toby: Look, a glass is half full, or half, you know, the other thing.
Elsie: You didn't give them much encouragement.
Will: I'm not their camp counselor. I need these things done by Monday. The staff quit. I'm not gonna pretend these guys are speechwriters and now I gotta figure out a way to do it myself.
Privateers
Abbey: I gave you an extra hour. I checked the scheduling. There's absolutely no reason why you couldn't sleep an extra hour.
Bartlet: I know. And when she called me at 5:00 I was going to say “Call me back in an hour” and go back to sleep. I was going to do it myself.
Abbey: You had a little plan.
Bartlet: Yeah. Now I missed the whole thing.
Marion Cotesworth-Haye: I am Marion Cotesworth-Haye.
CJ: [bursts out laughing] I'm sorry. I was...I was thinking of this thing from...[snorts] this thing that just happened...with the deficit! [still laughing]
Josh: You going to the DAR thing tonight?
[Toby continues to glare at Josh]
Josh: It's not that I didn't know federal law, it's...we got in a little deep before I was able to, you know, summon that...
Toby: Shut up.
Abbey: I gave a made-up award to Marion tonight.
Bartlet: Marblehead?
Abbey: I think she's from Marblehead.
Bartlet: No, some of us call her Marblehead.
Abbey: She was gonna boycott the thing.
Bartlet: Cause you're a pirate?
Abbey: Oh, not me. Seventeen generations ago. And he was a privateer.
Abbey: You put a guy on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals who called sexual harassment “a flight of fancy for the overindulged.” You put him on the Tenth Circuit.
Bartlet: Today?
Abbey: Three years ago. And TANF cut child care subsidies, and equal pay got pocket vetoed, and abstinence only and teacher funding initiatives, and I didn't do a lot or really anything to stop them.
Bartlet: Yeah, you did.
Abbey: And now this thing. I want to contribute, is all.
Angel Maintenance
Bartlet: He's telling me the deadline for Colombia's re-certification is midnight tonight.
Ed n Larry: Yes sir.
Bartlet: Didn't I sign those papers already?
Leo: Yes sir, but the statute requires that you have an in-person briefing on the current drug situation. So we'll get you someone to do it on the way in.
Bartlet: Just to check. They're going to tell me that the narco-traficantes are running the Parliament, but that we should re-certify them as an ally in the drug war.
Leo: It's a pro-forma thing. It's better than having them as an enemy in the drug war.
Bartlet: You mean calling them an enemy.
Josh: Donna...
Donna: You want me to fax those things?
Josh: Yeah, and you can try to get me CJ on the phone.
Toby: I meant ‘cause of the nuisance of having to circle around up there when I said “Thank God I sent Will instead of me.” Not ‘cause of the other thing.
Josh: I know what you meant.
CJ: It just suddenly worked?
Will: The gear?
CJ: Yeah.
Will: Yeah.
CJ: I'm not sure I'm good at living in a world where that kind of thing is possible.
Will: But you are.
Evidence of Things Not Seen
Leo: Two things I want to put on your radar.
Bartlet: Yeah...
Leo: There was a bombing at a nightclub in Kuala Lumpur, and they've got a suspect in Berlin who was trying to explode a device at the Brandenburg Gate.
Josh: Don't forget to sign this thing. They just had a whole...
Joe Quincy: Yeah.
Toby: What's in Cheyenne?
Will: A number of us are being sent out to investigate something that happened a few days ago.
Toby: What happened?
Will: You know, it's one of those things that sounds worse when you say it out loud 'cause it makes people kind of nervous.
Toby: What happened?
Will: Uh, two guys failed to follow through on an order to fire their rockets at what was thought to be an incoming ballistic missile from North Korea. Turns out it was a good thing they didn't, 'cause the missile was a meteor, and rather than it being from North Korea, it was from, you know...
Toby: ...outer space.
Joe Quincy: I'm in the doghouse with a number of people at the National Committee.
Josh: Why?
Joe Quincy: A memo that I wrote for the Solicitor General arguing that the Supreme Court should uphold regulations that limit soft money donations to political campaigns.
Josh: Oh no, that's the kind of thing that's got to wind you up in GOP jail for the same amount of time as...
Joe Quincy: ...as a Democrat who speaks out against abortion?
Life on Mars
CJ: Hang on, before we do anything, happy birthday, Mark. And don't ever say I don't pay attention to these things.
Mark: My birthday's in December.
CJ: All right, go ahead and say it then. What do I care?
Toby: You think we should run a counter ad.
Will: We have to.
Toby: Saying what?
Will: Oh. I don't know.
Toby: What do you mean?
Will: What do you mean?
Toby: We've been sitting here for twenty minutes.
Will: I came in to show you the spots and to tell you I think we should run a counter ad. I don't have an idea for one.
Toby: Well get one. Have an idea! Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to – you know, after you've walked me to the brink, and say "We've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how"! Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it!
Will: Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.
Josh: What the hell are you doing?
Donna: I'm sorry, but this bird has been sitting here tapping on the window for...I'm not kidding, I don't know how long, but a long time. I've lost track 'cause I'm moving into certain phases of dementia with this thing.
Leo: Fix this, would you please? There's a story out there we're obstructing justice, and another one we're like in a Ray Bradbury yarn. These things make me crazy.
Josh: Yes, sir.
Toby: How many years have you guys been – "Toby, you eat like a teenager." "Toby, that's red meat." "That's your second cigar." Here I am eating a salad, which by the way you can cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it would still taste like the ground, and I'm getting heckled by the gallery, who wanted to come in here and eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a Kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! [pause] That's all I'm saying.
Charlie: Man, Toby, you're really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you.
CJ: I saw you have a new column and I think it's terrific, and everyone here at the White House wishes you a lot of luck.
Stu Winkle: You are the classiest thing for calling me!
CJ: Well...
Stu Winkle: You are the classiest thing! You're my hero, CJ.
Commencement
Leo: He said his link was the pilot?
CJ: Yeah. You know what he has?
Leo: Well, Shareef's pilot who died in the crash was Jamil Bari, who had a Qumari passport, and is alive and American, and not named Jamil Bari, so he could have any number of things.
Donna: I wasn't able to talk to Josh yet about the Wellingtons.
Amy: Yeah, you don't need to. They're off the list again. That's why I was coming.
Donna: Okay, then. One less thing.