A parking spot covered in mayonnaise, a 22-year old clerk, and an office in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue seem to be the worst aspects of Republican lawyer Joe Quincy's first day on the job -- until CJ dumps a seemingly silly press inquiry about life on mars into his lap. Joe's search for an answer leads him to Josh, where he learns of another, similar leaked story, and then to Toby, where Charlie's meandering conversational stylings clues Joe in to a book deal that ties the leaks to a very high source -- the Vice President. CJ works a small-time gossip reporter for confirmation, and then Josh, Toby, CJ, and Joe confront John Hoynes. The President and Leo try to convince Hoynes he can weather the storm, but Hoynes astutely points out that he leaked classified information to his mistress which is, among other things, a felony. Meanwhile, Will and his team try to come up with a counterad to satisfy a salad-eating Toby, and Donna thinks she might just be Tippi Hedren when a bird follows her around the West Wing.

Starring:

STOCKARD CHANNING as First Lady Abigail Bartlet
DULÉ HILL as Charlie Young
ALLISON JANNEY as C.J. Cregg
JOSHUA MALINA as Will Bailey
JANEL MOLONEY as Donna Moss
RICHARD SCHIFF as Toby Ziegler
JOHN SPENCER as Leo McGarry
BRADLEY WHITFORD as Josh Lyman
and MARTIN SHEEN as President Josiah Bartlet

CJ:  That was a staircase, okay?  What do you want?  It was the Dolly Madison staircase.

Joe Quincy:  There's the Roosevelt Room. I've been in there.

CJ:  Nobody cares.

Joe Quincy:  Okay. 

Will:  It says the President and a bunch of Hollywood types want to put your kids in a small car so that they can save the sky.

Toby:  How did the Hollywood types get into this equation?

Will:  How do they ever?

Joe Quincy:  Lawyer's a shyster.

Donna:  I got him to say it.

Joe Quincy:  I don't -- Josh is a lawyer.

Donna:  Well, yeah.  I mean, he want to law school, but... You don't practice law, is all I was saying.

Josh:  I don't practice law?  I help write the laws.  I write the laws.  I make the laws.  I am the law.

Leo:  That report was classified by the Department of Defense.

Joe Quincy:  The report exists?

Leo:  Well, I can't tell you that, Joe, it was classified.  But I can tell you it was classified by the Defense Department.

Toby:  What did I say?

Joe Quincy:  You said in this case that the Fourth Circuit lacked the judicial imagination God gave pistachio nuts.

Toby:  They did.

Joe Quincy:  Perhaps.

Toby:  Joe, did you think I was going to have the Press Secretary on behalf of the President compare a federal judge to a pistachio nut?

Josh:  Mr. Vice President, have you been having an affair with Helen Baldwin while here at the White House?

Toby:  He's asking because--

Hoynes:  I should hit you in the face.

Toby:  He's asking because--

Hoynes:  I know why he's asking.  I understand why you're here.