"Mind-boggling to me that we ever won an election." [1.1]
"I agree with Josh, and I agree with CJ, and I agree with Sam. And you know how that makes me crazy." [1.1]
"I'm going to make a suggestion, which might help you out. But I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you." [1.1]
"I am not empowered to auction off the Bill of Rights." [1.1]
"This is a perfect metaphor. After you're gone, and the poets write The Legend of Josiah Bartlet, let them write you as a tragic figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools of greatness, but the voices of his better angels were shouted down by his obsessive need to win." [1.5]
"It's Throw Open Our Doors to People Who Want to Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About Day." [1.5]
"By changing some words... The world can move or not by changing some words." [1.5]
"Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place." [1.5]
"In a battle between a president's demons and his better angels, for the first time in a long while, I think we might just have ourselves a fair fight." [1.5]
"I don't think we should remind people how friendly we were with dictators who oppressed their people while stealing their money." [1.7]
"On this one we'd like to think of ourselves collectively as da men, sir." [1.9]
"We've been doing this for a year and all we've gotten is a year older. Our job approval's 48 percent and I think that number's soft, and I'm tired of being the field captain for the gang that couldn't shoot straight! We're getting this done." [1.9]
"Good, 'cause, you know, we want to report that the country's a lot stranger than it was a year ago." [1.12]
"We're running away from ourselves. And I know we can score points that way, I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy... But we're here now. Tomorrow night we do an immense thing. We have to say what we feel. That government no matter what its failures in the past, and in times to come, for that matter, government can be a place where people come together. And where no one gets left behind. No one gets left behind. An instrument of good. I have no trouble understanding why the line tested well... But I don't think that means we should say it. I think that means we should change it." [1.12]
"Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around." [1.15]
"CJ, so help me, if you use the words 'pwesident' or 'bwiefed' again..." [1.15]
"There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd wanna extract vengeance, and I'd say 'Let justice be done.' I'd also wanna spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice." [1.15]
"You're talking to me during The Jackal? Never talk to me during The Jackal." [1.18]
"I think it would be a good idea as a symbol to signal that China is serious about a relationship with us if they stop running over their citizens with tanks." [1.18]
"One victory in a year stinks in the life of an administration, but it's not the ones we lose that bother me... it's the ones we don't suit up for!" [1.19]
"Bonnie, you are dedicated and you are beautiful. And, Ginger, you are other nice things." [1.20]
"I know it's strange, sir, but I'm feeling a certain big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible." [1.21]
"I asked him about his vote; he told me. I said that if asked about it tonight he should, if only because it's the easiest thing to remember, tell the truth." [2.2]
"I think President Nmbala's saying there's more money in giving a white guy an erection than curing a black guy of AIDS." [2.4]
"No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying. I'm doing all three at the same time." [2.4]
"When Pakistan gets nervous, everybody gets nervous. You know why? 'Cause we're all gonna die." [2.6]
"Ms. Cregg is gone for the night and her office is secure, so you should feel free to let the turkeys out of the cage and allow them to roam freely as they were meant to do." [2.8]
"It should be a fight! We disagree on something important and immediate." [2.11]
"We don't have to move to the right if there's an opportunity to spank the people to our left." [2.12]
"It says, 'A well-regulated militia being necessary for the security of a free state the government shall not infringe...' The words 'regulated' and 'militia' are in the first sentence! I don't think the framers were thinking of three guys in a Dodge Durango." [2.13]
"... if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, German, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year. They had 112. You think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?" [2.13]
"The President's not a member of your party, he's the leader of your party. And if you think demonizing people who are trying to govern responsibly is the way to protect our liberal base, then speaking as a liberal, go to bed, would you please?" [2.14]
"He's not the President of the United States. He's a junior Senator from North Dakota where nobody lives, because it's too cold and they don't have a major sports franchise." [2.14]
"Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars, and we figure out a way to fix the rest. One world, one peace. I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere." [2.16]
"I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo, who no one elected! For 90 minutes that night there was a coup d'état in this country." [3.18]
"Maybe this would be a good time for a chorus of 'Our Maligned Little Brother, Civil Liberties.'" [3.0]
"I'm smiling on the inside." [3.1]
"Thank you all for coming around to the self-evident point I made five minutes ago." [3.1]
"Paper's for wimps." [3.1]
"Can somebody stick some pom-pons in that guy's hand?" [3.2]
"I'm from the United States of suck my--" [3.2]
"'My values are New Hampshire's values, hard work and responsibility, strong families and strong communities, a boundless faith in an American ideal of self-reliance' and poor people can go screw themselves." [3.2]
"Well, my name is Toby Ziegler and I'm the Communications Director -- though there's a typo in 'communications' at one point. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I mumble from time to time, but prickly? I don't think so. Nonetheless, I'm fine with it." [3.10]
"On Carol's birthday, did you happen to attend a séance where they tried to contact Margaret's grandmother? No, right?" [3.10]
"There's always been a concern about the two Bartlets. The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, dad' sense of humor, disarming, unthreatening, good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate still searching for salvation, lonely, frustrated, lethal." [3.12]
"Everything bothers me." [3.13]
"He liked it a lot. Mostly what I wrote, not so much what you wrote." [3.13]
"Grotesque oppression isn't okay just because it's been institutionalized." [3.13]
"You know what, old man? The very minute they swear in the next guy, you and I are going round and round." [3.14]
"Happiness is my default position." [3.15]
"Time to teach these Stoli-drinking Tchaikovskys a thing or two about free press, American style. You don't ban those who supported your opponent, you make them wallow in their loserdom by covering your victory! You sit them in the front row. You give them a hat! I will save Ludmilla Koss, for I am Toby, and in so doing -- Why am I going on like this?" [3.19]
"Believe me, if we were able to enforce U.S. law around the world, I'd retire and go scuba diving." [3.19]
"Making sure the Enquirer can write whatever it wants is the only way I can be sure that New York Times is writing whatever it wants." [3.19]
"We gave you the airwaves for free seventy years ago, and 357 days a year, you can say who's up and who's down, who won the West and lost the South. But what's wrong with eight days, not every year, but every four years, showing our leaders talking to us? Not a fraction of what they said, but what they said." [3.20]
"What he's saying is Eastern education isn't for real men, but don't worry, I'll have Jews for the money stuff." [4.1]
"I don't care if he thinks Luxemburg's an uptown stop on the IRT, and I don't care about the Greco-Roman wrestling matches with the language, not that polished communication skill is an important part of this job." [4.2]
"If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas who's connected to other people's lives and cares about making them better. If we choose someone to inspire us then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things we can't imagine yet." [4.2]
"There's no way favoristic's a word." [4.3]
"I'd like someone to ask him about the responsibility of cutting the drug treatment that would eliminate needle-related HIV. Half of all people who get infected by HIV are getting infected by the needles. I'd like somebody to ask him how he thinks the personal responsibility program is going so far." [4.4]
"When you mention that we want five debates, say what they are: one on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure. And one on fractions." [4.4]
"He's tough on crime, he's fair on justice. That's the line; say that. Do not say that. What the hell is that? He's tough on crime, he's fair on justice? Sings a song? Has a mustache?" [4.5]
"See, I leant voice to thought, and that was my mistake." [4.5]
"Of course I wrote a concession speech. What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?" [4.7]
"Those bodies of yours, I don't know how you live with them." [4.7]
"Hey! I see one victory balloon before this thing is called--Yeah, you better run!" [4.7]
"If I can't protect my kids, their mom, and the President all at the same time, then I've got to quit my job." [4.8]
"Eighty percent of what backwards population votes for this woman?" [4.8]
"I think we invested time and money teaching her how to fly a warplane which, it turns out, she does very well, and there aren't that many who do, so I'm gonna go ahead and pick national security over caring who she sleeps with." [4.10]
"Call and response isn't going to work in front of a joint session. You're alliteration happy: guardians of gridlock, protectors of privilege. I needed an avalanche of Advil. And when you use pop culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don't mind constructive criticism, do you?" [4.10]
"You know, there's an incredible history to second Inaugurals. "Fear itself"; Lincoln. And I thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close. Now I'm just writing for my life, and you can't serve the President that way." [4.10]
"As I understand pregnancy, it's a binary state. You either are or you aren't." [4.11]
"I'm told that on my sunniest of days, I'm not that fun to be around. I wonder what's going to happen when you make my children a part of your life." [4.11]
"And, people, there are laws against campaigning in federal buildings. If you're going to cover Will's office, please use plain oak tag, or shaving cream if you need to, okay?" [4.11]
"Listen, when you get home tonight, you're gonna be confronted by the instinct to drink a lot. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero." [4.11]
"As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window." [4.14]
"This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force, that we use force whenever we see an injustice that we want to correct. Like Mother Teresa with first strike capability." [4.14]
"During moments of peak frustration -- when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and there was the time Congress censured my boss. But it's always held up, that window. That window's a game day player." [4.15]
"Listen to me, we've got all kinds of atmospheric pressure up here. We're a little late, so the colonel's put the hammer down in a 747. You've got wind sheer, down draft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We're standing in a flying death tube!" [4.16]
"Yeah, it's the father, and you're standing too close. So if you're going to insist on being drunk and minding other people's business, you gotta take a step back, 'cause as you're apparently aware, the Congresswoman is pregnant." [4.16]
"Is there any chance I could get a corner cell, or anything possibly with a loft space?" [4.16]
"Well, Sam's on his way over, and I'll tell you something, if I was someone who felt comfortable hugging other people, I'd do one to Sam, 'cause he absolutely impaled himself. So I think the least I can do is bring the Ziegler brand of wisdom to the campaign's last week, be a role model." [4.17]
"No, the story's gonna be that you had the guts to stick up for what you believe and you didn't cut and run. And people are gonna remember that. I'm gonna make sure of it." [4.17]
"You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did." [4.17]
"After three years. That's something. That's quite an impressive ethical learning curve." [4.18]
"And you've got to ask yourself, if no one on the internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?" [4.20]
"Soccer moms recognize a big three hosing when it walks up and introduces itself good as anyone, and they knwo it often begins with Tell your Congressman America's about freedom. And that mom was worried 'cause dad's driving a yardsale up Kiliminjaro, and she's thinking, Wow, I married an idiot!" [4.21]
"I don't know what kind of salad it is. I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it. Do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them. It's a bowl of weeds. Some of 'em have cheese. This isn't the kind with cheese. Does that answer your question?" [4.21]
"I don't think you've noticed the things that I've done to alter the behavior that's troubled you in the past. Giving up what you felt was a bachelor apartment is only the most recent of gestures, which include eating salad." [4.22]
"Well, my father used to kill people for a living, so generationally the Zieglers are making lots of progress. I wouldn't worry about the kids." [4.22]
"For nine months you hear how this is going to change your life, and you've never loved anything like this, and my God, the love. And nothing's going to be important anymore. Just never really felt to me like I was someone who had the capacity for those feelings. Plus, you know, I like what's important to me, I want it to stay important. I want to be able to do it well." [4.23]
"I didn't realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don't have jobs, you can't walk or speak the language, you don't have a dollar in your pockets, but you've got yourselves a hat. So everything's fine." [4.23]
"Yeah, they're great. And if somebody was hurting them, I'd drop napalm on Yellowstone to get them to stop. Letting some prisoners out of jail wouldn't be nothing, and I've known my kids for forty-five minutes." [4.23]
"There's no one in this room who wouldn't rather die than let you down, you know." [4.23]
"If we go two lines without using the phrase unimaginably large military arsenal we're out of our minds." [5.2]
"I'm over the moon. This is my over-the-moon face." [5.3]
"They love him at a barbecue, not so much with the nuclear launch codes." [5.5]
"That was like a bad romantic comedy in fifteen seconds." [5.5]
"This isn't a line on a résumé. None of us -- you don't walk away." [5.5]
"Where's our 100 Days? Where's our Great Society? Where's our New Frontier? Somebody's got to do what we came here to do." [5.5]
"Looks like Carrick's buddies are jumping on the Republican, budget-busting, Milton Friedman-worshipping bandwagon." [5.6]
"It's Republican propaganda. We do this cap gains tax cut, we're congratulating the wealthy for selling off their Renoirs. I don't know, shouldn't we maybe be thinking about unemployment insurance?" [5.6]
"Giving kickbacks to the wealthy isn't creating wealth, it's just giving kickbacks to the wealthy." [5.6]
"We're going to shape the future of jurisprudence, the laws that sustain our whole society. Or shove somebody in there to strike down those God-awful excuses for laws the Republicans are passing." [5.7]
"I came up on losing campaigns, and every time I lost, at least I knew what I went down for." [5.12]