Joshua Lyman

"Lady, the God you pray to is too busy getting indicted for tax fraud." [1.1]

"If the D.A. or Navy Intel thought the Cubans were bringing in drugs, wouldn't we have to go out there and search those rafts with, you know, guns and blankets?" [1.1]

"Al Caldwell is friends with bad people! I think he should say so for the common good. Screw politics! How about that?" [1.1]

"I think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid, Berkeley, shiksa feminista! ...Wow, that was way too far." [1.3]

"LBJ never would've taken this kind of crap from Democrats in Congress. He'd have said, 'You're voting my way, in exchange for which, it is possible that I might remember your name, pal.' We need to win. And I mean win. We need to take a curtain call and a victory lap. And that's how we get momentum. We get it by being tough. We give away nothing." [1.4]

"See, you won with 52 percent, but the President took your district with 59. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're gonna have a party, Congressman. You should come; it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo. You guys got a band gazebo? Doesn't matter; we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant D.A. we like. And you should have your camera with you, you should get a picture of that, 'cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man, he's got a good heart, he doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for." [1.4]

"You know, I realize as an adult, not everyone shares my view of the world. And with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid. But we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?" [1.4]

"You know, I'm so sick of Congress I could vomit." [1.4]

"I'd say it's roughly the equivalent of fighting the war against tobacco by banning certain color matchbook covers." [1.4]

"Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?" [1.5]

"I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women." [1.5]

"The President's daughter, the Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar, and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?" [1.6]

"I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states. I was just hoping he'd start with Delaware." [1.8]

"We talk about enemies more than we used to." [1.8]

"So, five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share." [1.9]

"I would think that in this day and age people would be more comfortable knowing that they will not now, nor will they ever be forced to turn over evidence against themselves." [1.9]

"Hell, I mean, just the law of large numbers says we gotta win one one of these days, right? Let's make it a good one." [1.9]

"You're Leo McGarry. You won't be taken down by this small fraction of a man. I won't permit it." [1.9]

"An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?" [1.10]

"I do not get hostile. I don't get randomly hostile. I get hostile when hostility is called for." [1.15]

"Let me tell you something, mi compadre, you guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your 6th grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale, and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps." [1.15]

"Danny Concannon had thrown me a knuckleball in the dirt which then I'd taken a big swing at, and just like that, the President had a secret plan to fight inflation." [1.15]

"Why would anyone want to diminish a woman's sexual desire?" [1.17]

"Hey, Senator. Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?" [1.20]

"Three quarters of all soft money going into the Democratic Party isn't coming from Labor Unions. It's coming from corporations... Over 100 businesses gave both parties in excess of $125,000 in the last election. They gave it to both parties! That isn't free speech or political values, Mr. Vice-President. I don't know how we've done it but we've legalized bribery.... So what we've got are two corporate parties, one pro-life, one pro choice." [1.22]

"Running for President of the United States without putting Social Security front and center is like running for President of the Walt Disney Corporation by saying you're going to fix the rides at EPCOT!" [2.1]

"I don't know what we're for. I don't know what we're for and I don't know what we're against. Except we seem to be for winning and against someone else winning." [2.1]

"The Democrats aren't going to nominate another¹ liberal, academic, former Governor from New England. I mean, we're dumb, but we're not that dumb." [2.1]

"You guess I'm right? Listen to me, Governor, if you don't lose this election, it isn't gonna be because you didn't try hard enough." [2.2]

"Hey, Leo, did you know there's something called the superstring theory that at it's most basic level says that the universe consists of these tiny loops of string that vibrate at different frequencies?" [2.3]

"After four months and four hundred million dollars, everything stayed the same? … Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor." [2.3]

"Toby, come quick! Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl!" [2.4]

"Mostly I just think a lawsuit is too small. I can't have it be like I slipped in their driveway. It's different than that to me. I don't want to sue him." [2.5]

"Public opinion can be wrong, Matt. The public opposed interracial marriage and school integration. You want me to reach back into the nostalgia files?" [2.7]

"Freedom of choice isn't a minority value just because the majority doesn't agree with the minority's choice." [2.7]

"The Founding Fathers made it very clear that they didn't want Judeo-Christian morality within ten city blocks of the law." [2.7]

"I like you guys who wanna reduce the size of government -- make it just small enough so it can fit in our bedrooms." [2.7]

"I want to mock people." [2.9]

"And what stupidass Irish thing did you say to Karen Cahill that you now need me to apologize for at Ben and Sally's like a little girl? Let me tell you what was surprising about that moment just then: I said that only twelve hours after you were very cool about my almost accidentally setting the building on fire." [2.11]

"I'm on hold…. I'm on hold… I'm in some hellish hold world of holding." [2.14]

"So now you have two choices: meeting with an unruly mob, or meeting with lunatic mapmakers." [2.16]

"Wait--Relative size is one thing, but you're telling me that Germany isn't where we think it is?" [2.16]

"It's true, sir, America does not want Dr. Kevorikian to lead the country. We've got polling data." [3.2]

"I guess that means Doug won't be coming to my sweet sixteen then." [3.2]

"Well, I suppose there's a time for scruples, and a time for, you know...." [3.7]

"And ask her out? ...No, no, 'cause then there's the potential she says no, and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again." [3.10]

"It's jury duty. Do it, don't do it. But if you don't do it, you can't complain about the OJ verdict." [3.12]

"Here.  Bartlet for New Hampshire.  Gives all the reasons why Bartlet's for the people of New Hampshire.  The Flenders, everybody, all 17 of them, or whatever the hell goes on up there." [3.15]

"I am an elitist, but I have respect for people who don't measure up." [3.16]

"CJ, it's a crazy place.  See, it's got this dictatorial leader who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments." [3.16]

"It's a death threat, CJ.  I take it seriously.  I've had some experience with this." [3.19]

"Better to look chicken than get broasted, my mother always says." [3.21]

"You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do." [4.2]

"I don't know what gave you the impression that I had to be convinced, but I want to win.  You want to beat him, and that's a problem for me, because I want to win." [4.2]

"I'm perfectly fine waiting.  I have the patience of an adult." [4.3]

"Just throw strikes.  I don't understand why that can't happen.  You have a three-run lead.  Just throw strikes.  I mean, my God." [4.4]

"You've just got a mouthful of wiseass today, don't you?" [4.4]

"Because what does he remind you of?  'I believe in hope, not fear.  I'm a leader, not a politician.  It's time for an American leader.  America's earned a change.  I before E, except after C.'  It's the fortune cookie candidacy!" [4.4]

"Well, we may as well get used to having meetings in the corridors from now on.  It may be our only hope." [4.5]

"Nothing but strikes." [4.6]

"Angry House Democrats:  I'm shivering.  Hold my hand." [4.8]

"Yeah, I don't get Hawaii:  great weather, great beaches, universal health care.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." [4.9]

"I got the fuzzy end of that lollipop." [4.10]

"Those are good stories about you, though.  Those stories would make me like you." [4.10]

"Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:  Let's list our ten favorite episodes.  Let's list our least-favorite episodes.  Let's list our favorite galaxies.  Let's make a chart to see how often our favorite galaxies appear in our favorite episodes.  What Romulam would you most like to see coupled with a Cardassian and why?  Let's spend a weekend talking about Romulans falling in love with Cardassians and then let's do it again.  That's not being a fan.  That's having a fetish." [4.10]

"Leo and the President have gone Christmas crazier than usual." [4.11]

"I would give anything to have a living father who was a felon, or a sister with a past." [4.11]

"I don't mind.  People are working, I have Donna here with me.  We've got a whole night planned around it." [4.11]

"You think electing a reactionary Congress and a progressive President was wise?  The people, in a fog of uncertainty, unsure of the difference, split tickets across the country." [4.12] 

"One wants to save Social Security; the other wants to privatize it.  One wants to make polluters pay to clean up pollution; the other wants to give tax breaks so they can pollute more." [4.12] 

"You know, I go for kissass today and the ball goes in the gutter." [4.12] 

"Because nine percent think it's too high and shouldn't be cut!  Nine percent of respondents couldn't get their arms around the question.  There should be another box you can check for I have utterly no idea what you're talking about; please, God, don't ask for my input." [4.12] 

"I won.  I always do, and you came here for my advice." [4.17]

"I get the House is angry we didn't take back the House, and setting aside the fact it was their damn fault and not ours, stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying let's blow up the place, maybe voters will hire us to rebuild it." [4.19]

"No, but I heard a brass quintet playing The First Noel, so I just assumed somebody somewhere was locked and loaded." [4.20]

"You know, black, white, rich, poor, North, South, odd, even -- there may not be anything anymore that outpaces the hatred the right feels for the left and the tonnage of disrespect the left feels for the right." [4.20]

"I don't practice law?  I help write the laws.  I write the laws.  I make the laws.  I am the law." [4.21]

"Can I ask:  How hard can it be to keep an eye on five Qumari religious fanatics in Schenectady?" [4.22]

"It's true that you adapt to the terrain.  Of course, after a while I just said to hell with it and took my pants off." [4.22]

"What if they like Walken better?  What if he seems more presidential?  What if they want Walken to stay?"  [5.1]

"I don't want one of those sad-sack parties in the Indian Treaty Room where some guy from the OMB drones on about how I saved the aquatic weed subsidy." [5.5]

"I have my healthy, I have central air.  In the hierarchy of pain and suffering, I really can't complain.  I mean, I will..." [5.6]

"Do people keep cliché thesauruses around for times like this?" [5.6]

"OUTSTANDING!" [5.7]

"We have to call Haffley out for what he's really doing.  It's a coup.  He's trying to defund every Bartlet initiative we've passed in the last two years." [5.8]

"The country's waiting for someone to step up.  It should be us." [5.8]

"Now it's launches to service the pointless international space station, which should be rechristened the SS Good Money After Bad.  It's all low-earth orbits.  It's like if, thirty years after Columbus, Spain expected people to get hot and bothered over a trip to Majorca." [5.13]

"Wendt wants a tax cut for stay-at-home moms.  Unless you're a poor woman, and then he'd argue you have to work or you should be denied welfare benefits." [5.14]

"We're Democrats over here.  We're not going to nominate a born-again elk hunter  with a tattoo of the Confederate flag on his ass." [5.17]

"I want more than bright.  If we had a bench full of moderates in '54, separate but equal would still be on the books.  This place would still have two sets of drinking fountains." [5.17]