"You'd be amazed at how normal I can be." [1.1]
"...you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row, Yankee jackass!" [1.3]
"First of all, you're wrong. Second of all, shut up. Third, I went to Hoynes about your thing, and it wasn't him who talked to you and I believe him, and now he's really pissed at me, and he's right. And fourth... shut up again." [1.8]
"Set fire to the room. Do it now." [1.9]
"They made him say Hail Marys as they beat him to death. This was a crime of entertainment.... Beyond the crime itself is a manifestation of racism or sexism or anti-Semitism or homophobia that are only the tip of the iceberg of the pathology troubling this country." [1.10]
"Damn, you know what I forgot to do today? ...I forgot to check the president's glands." [1.12]
"We could all be better teachers." [1.13]
"I can suggest some other things you can do with yourself." [1.15]
"Josh, pwease, be vewy careful. Try vewy, vewy hard not to destwoy us." [1.15]
"The theme for this year's event is Learning Is Delightful and Delicious. As, by the way, am I." [1.19]
"Don't tell me what I don't understand! I'm not in my freshman year anymore. I understand more than you think." [1.20]
"I wasn't lying to the press on India/Pakistan, I was lied to by you which made me look like an idiot." [1.22]
"If by standing up and lying I misdirected the Iraqui counter-intelligence for even a half a beat, then it was absolutely worth it. That's a no-brainer. And if I didn't, it was certainly worth trying. There are only fifty people in the world who can't understand why I lied this morning, and they all work in the White House press room. I'm sleeping fine tonight." [1.22]
"Danny, I gotta tell you, that was... Seriously? That was a turn on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence." [1.22]
"Yes, Steve, I can tell you all those things, because when I said we weren't releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motive was." [2.2]
"You know why the New Coke marketing campaign failed? Because nobody liked New Coke! The movies were bad, Roger. If they were unknown, I could help you, but they weren't. They were just bad." [2.2]
"I'm climbing out of the pool, my clothes will be clingy, avert your eyes!" [2.2]
"Obviously there's one story that's gonna be dominating the news around the world for the next few days. And it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman, and Stephanie Abbott were the only people who were victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Belinda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were twelve. There were 36 homicides last night; 480 sexual assaults; 3,411 robberies; 3,685 aggravated assaults, all at gun point. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best trained guards in the history of the world." [2.2]
"You get my support the same way I get yours--When I agree with what you're saying, or when I don't care about what you're saying." [2.3]
"In a democracy, oftentimes other people win." [2.3]
"It was a 14 minute briefing. I'm really gonna get reviews?" [2.4]
"Go back to the Pentagon and tell General Barry CJ Cregg says he's a coward." [2.5]
"The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings, so it's entirely possibly that by week's end we'll have alienated Christians, China, and our own government." [2.8]
"So that leaves us with the televised classroom, the green beans, the stamp, and, depending on who those people were that were standing near me, the possibility of a story about me being good in bed." [2.9]
"And, Josh, why do you think the people, adult Americans, why do you think they can't understand we can honor a man's contribution without subscribing to his politics? They can understand a lot of things. People stopped trusting government during Vietnam, and it was because government stopped trusting them." [2.9]
"We have, at our disposal, a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand 'cause they're think they're gonna be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, 'You think you get it wrong sometimes? You should come down here and see how the big boys do it.' I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope and that it may turn up, but in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in a room and start building Galileo VI. Some of them will laugh, and most of them won't care, but for some, they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand. And that's the broader theme." [2.9]
"Who cares? It's a breakfast to trumpet a new spirit of bipartisanship cooperation and understanding in the new year, no one's going to be listening to each other anyway." [2.11]
"I think it's a bad idea. I think the first visual we get is that Congress is the seat of power and the President's irrelevant. Not only that, but you just took my legs out from under me with Ann. Are you ordering me to move it to the Hill?" [2.11]
"The Post is calling it sleek, challenging, and oftentimes witty, not unlike myself." [2.14]
"I'm The Enforcer, Sam. I'm going to crush him, I'm going to make him cry and then I'm gonna tell his mama about it." [2.15]
"You want to make out with me right now, don't you?" [2.16]
"I will once again betray the sisterhood. I saw you, you, you, and you roll your eyes." [2.17]
"Dad, this would be a good time to mention that it's possible that an Egyptian cat goddess named Bast has put an ancient curse on me." [2.17]
"Tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting, and if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best, 'cause I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if twenty-eight U.S. Senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help." [2.17]
"You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids three hundred feet below thinking you better not jump because there's a chance that you might drown. The president has this disease and he's been lying about it, and guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill you." [2.20]
"This song is called The CIA, Our Maligned Little Brother." [3.0]
"Look, I take civil liberties as seriously as anybody. I've been to the dinners. We haven't even talked about free speech yet, or getting lynched by the Patriotism Police for voicing a minority opinion." [3.0]
"Yeast is a fun word to say... Our numbers are less than yeasty." [3.1]
"I'm drawing inspiration from the strength of the Goff family, the descendants of Hunter John and the owners and operators of the Goff family mill for more than two centuries now. In 1846, when Theodore Odie Goff was the proprietor, the mill burned to the ground. Well, that totally blows." [3.1]
"He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference; The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating." [3.1]
"I don't know, desks, a blackboard--could be some kind of classroom." [3.2]
"Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American public as being irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the lime light. Am I crazy or is this not a job for the US House of Representatives?" [3.3]
"Oh, me-oh, oh, my-oh. Oh, Cleveland, Ohio!" [3.6]
"When I came in here, back in the late 50s, there was a purpose to it, but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere in the discussion of anise and coreandar and the other 15 spices you like to use to baste a turkey, I simply lost consciousness." [3.7]
"How do you keep fighting the smaller injustices when they're all from the mother of injustices?" [3.7]
"In Qumar, when a woman gets raped, she'll generally get beaten by her husband and sons as a punishment, and at some point we should talk about how to spend the 1.5 billion they're giving us." [3.8]
"You know, if I was living in Qumar I wouldn't be able to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not, shove it up your ass, Toby." [3.8]
"How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them. And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure guns don't get into the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy, what the hell are we defining as the right people?" [3.8]
"The point is that apartheid was an East Hampton clambake compared to what we laughingly refer to as the life these women lead. And if we had sold M1A1s to South Africa 15 years ago, you'd have set the building on fire! Thank God we never needed to refuel in Johannesburg." [3.8]
"Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna to do you right here." [3.11]
"Someone's gonna get an ass-kickin' from the Mrs." [3.13]
"Hartsfield has accurately predicted every Presidential election since William Howard Taft, who, by the way, was the founder of the seventh inning stretch where we sing Take Me out to the Ball Game, words and lyrics by Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer. It's all part of the service here at Claudia's House of Useless Knowledge. That's a full lid. Thank you very much." [3.14]
"So how long do you usually make people your bitch?" [3.14]
"Well I think this on may be unspinnable, and that certainly is saying something coming from my office. Yeah, he was calling him stupid." [3.16]
"Don't comment. I haven't spoken to the President, to Leo, to State, to anybody. You guys wanna muzzle me before I go in there, speak now or forever hold your peace. God knows it's not likely I'm gonna." [3.19]
"Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded 121 people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. No free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the royal family allows the religious police to travel in groups of six, carrying nightsticks, and they freely and publicly beat women. But 'Brutus is an honorable man.' Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve. No, Chris. No, Mark. That is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace." [3.19]
"Don't give me the 'Aw, shucks' answer, 'Well, that's my job, ma'am.' And don't call me ma'am. Don't call me ma'am! Don't call me Ms. Cregg. This isn't a Western." [3.20]
"This isn't a woman's issue. This is a dumb woman's issue." [4.1]
"Well, I wanted my office to issue a statement saying 'You're annoying. Shut up,' but Bruno said to wave at it, and he's right." [4.2]
"I'm sitting here listening and already I've turned to a life of crime." [4.2]
"Twenty-five years ago, half of all eighteen to twenty-four year olds voted; today it's 25 percent. Eighteen to twenty-four year olds represent 33 percent of the population, but only account for 7 percent of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many of you have credit card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up. You've gotta rock the vote." [4.3]
"Red Mass, Red Mass, Red Mass, you say. Red Mass is at... You're right, ten o'clock at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. Which is also what they called my dorm room in college." [4.4]
"It's really okay that after almost every play someone needs medical attention?" [4.4]
"Bring it, boss." [4.6]
"No, please. We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you. What I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate and focuses where it belongs, which is on the contest." [4.8]
"Well, this is exactly what happened to Ebeneezer Scrooge, who was a very nice little guy until something happened with Mr. Fezziwig that I can't remember." [4.11]
"You've got a very nice sass yourself, sir." [4.12]
"No, I didn't mean that you have no social skills, Toby. I'm sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I... I think you're very--You're a very pretty girl, Toby." [4.13]
"America's a terribly difficult idea, filled with promise and impossible to live up to." [4.13]
"Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny, I could have him, and he's still a jackass from the foreign ops vote and many other things, so tell him I'm getting my hair done." [4.14]
"That's always what we're talking about, and in addition to being somebody's kids, they're soldiers and sailors. And if we're about freedom from tyranny, then we're about freedom from tyranny. And if we're not, we should shut up." [4.15]
"The more I know, the more I can help you. And don't be concerned with my exposure -- I'm not your daughter, I'm the White House Press Secretary." [4.15]
"Don't be fooled, they love us in Orange County. They're crazy-go-nuts for the President, though really the whole Democratic Party in general. I think they really like it when we come to town. When we were there last month, we were working the crowd and some young boys worried possibly that I couldn't afford fruits and vegetables on a government salary tossed me some of their own." [4.16]
"Well, there are some nice shots of you and the President, but the one you're going to see a lot of is you kissing the liberal, pregnant, unwed Congresswoman." [4.16]
"He looks youthful and energetic. Do we have anything he can jump over?" [4.17]
"Anyway, Helena Hodworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree wants to organize a boycott of the reception, and... Well, there it is. Yes, Mrs. Bartlet descends from quite the murderous band of ruffians, and her membership in the DAR is suspect on those grounds, or so believes the Boston Globe." [4.18]
"I imagined myself destitute, I imagined myself unlucky in love, but I never imagined my life would be in danger with really uncommon frequency. It feels a little bit good, doesn't it?" [4.19]
"I thought my reflexes before, in the press room, were catlike." [4.20]
"I'm the press secretary, boo-boo. I don't have that kind of time." [4.21]
"The questions I keep getting asked are, why not a trial or tribunal? Why covert ops? Why didn't we simply detain him?" [5.3]
"If I can remind you, this young lady has been through an ordeal. She's not going to take questions, so if you could show some basic human -- you know, I almost said "decency," but don't worry, I'm back." [5.3]
"Clean coal's like saying healthy botulism, child-safe plutonium." [5.5]
"You're the President of the United States. My president. I'm frightened; we're all frightened. This is... the world is too dangerous now, unpredictable. I need you back. I need you to lead." [5.6]
"First off, I wouldn't characterize this as a crisis or a breakdown, and while we're at it, here's some other things it's not: a showdown, a stalemate, a standoff, or a textbook example of partisan gridlock." [5.7]
"I need numbers fast, maybe some garlic and a crucifix." [5.8]
"No comments for anything called the Crier, the Intelligencier, or the Breeze." [5.9]
"We've been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day or the press runs amok!" [5.12]
"No news is very, very bad news. If we're not running offense, we're running defense. And if we're playing defense, then there's some clever sports analogy that explains what happens then." [5.12]
"Are you out of your pencil-ridden brain? This is the United States government. We've got a $2 trillion budget. We're the largest creditor, the largest subcontractor, lifeblood of the global economy, with a nuclear arsenal that could blow this planet into 15 billion pieces. I shouldn't have to tie you to a chair and shove a spoon in your mouth to get you to write about it!" [5.12]
"I'd mop the floor with him, smirk first." [5.13]
"When you run for president, the press is going to find some of those women. And if you try to attack them, if you get your opposition research team working on them, if you try to destroy them, if you try to say they're all bimbos and liars, then I'll be standing right there with them, and I'll be ready to take anything you or your people throw at me. Anything. So don't make me tell the truth about you, because it will be the whole truth." [5.15]
"She has a list. She made a list. Haven't lists gone out with Joe McCarthy and hula hoops?" [5.16]